🧨 Red Sox Winning Streak Capped at ONE 🧨
🎭 The Briefest of Triumphs
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
The Red Sox snapped their losing streak on Friday night, and for one glorious moment, it looked like the ship was turning around. But then Saturday rolled around, and in typical Red Sox fashion, they said, “Let’s not get carried away with this whole winning thing.”
Blanked 5-0 by the Braves. Not even a pity run.
It’s almost as if the team has a standing agreement: “If we accidentally win one, let’s all promise not to do it again.” Mission accomplished.
🎂 Schwellenbach’s Birthday Bash (🎁 Powered by Boston)
Spencer Schwellenbach—who sounds like he should be a Bond villain or a hedge fund manager—turned 25 on Saturday and celebrated by absolutely humiliating the Red Sox lineup.
His stat line: 6.1 innings, 0 runs, 11 strikeouts, 0 walks. The only thing missing was a birthday cake with the Sox offense inside it.
To make it worse? The Red Sox looked like they were facing 2001 Randy Johnson. Apparently, all it takes to shut down this lineup is being born in the 2000s and throwing strikes.
Classic Boston move: make a second year pitcher look like a Hall of Famer before his MLBPA card is even laminated.
💥 Buehler? … Buehler?
On the mound for the Red Sox: Walker Buehler. And we mean that quite literally—he was on the mound. That’s about all we can say.
Buehler gave up 10 hits and 5 earned runs in 5.2 innings. We’re not saying he’s still working his way back from injury, but… actually, no—we are saying that. Because if he’s healthy, then this outing was a war crime.
Acuña Jr. and Riley both took him deep. The rest of the Braves sprinkled hits like confetti. Meanwhile, Buehler’s fastball looked more like a batting practice machine set to “medium.”
The Sox bullpen, mercifully, didn’t pour gasoline on the fire—but by then, the game was already a pyre.
📉 An Incredibly Predictable Regression
Let’s recap: The Sox are now 1-6 in their last seven games. That one win? A fluke. An outlier. A bug in the matrix.
The team keeps finding new and innovative ways to underperform. One night it’s pitching. The next it’s hitting. Then fielding. Sometimes all three—just to keep it spicy.
At this point, expecting consistency is like asking a Magic 8-Ball for tax advice. The answer is always: Try again later.
🥶 The Offense Needs a Space Heater
Let’s talk about the bats—or lack thereof.
Rafael Devers had a single and a double. Good for him. He’s clearly trying. The rest of the lineup? Looks like they’re already mentally on the All-Star break.
Jarren Duran, who was hitting lasers a month ago, looks like he’s trying to swat mosquitos. Casas is still hurt. Story’s still Story. And the rest? You’d need Google Maps to find their batting averages.
There’s no clutch hitting, no power, and no spark. If this offense was a candle, it wouldn’t light with a blowtorch.
🛍️ Retail Therapy for the Broken-Hearted
Still love this team despite the pain? Might as well wear the gear and cry in style. Here's what to buy if you're loyal, delusional, or both:
Bastards of Boston Baseball T-Shirt
Vintage-style, perfect for pretending this team is still a playoff team
starting at $16.93 — Get it here
📣 Final Thoughts: Subscribe or Suffer in Silence
We know being a Red Sox fan right now feels like slowly peeling a sunburn. But at least you’re not suffering alone. That’s what The Bastards of Boston are here for.
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